guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
