i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
