Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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