if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We left the knife in your bed.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
