The best revenge is premature balding
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
