Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
