We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
