Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
