I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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