I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
