Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
