All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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