mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
