I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i think im in europe. pls send help
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
