I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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