You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
