I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize