I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
