Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize