Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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