Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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