Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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