If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
