TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
