when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
