Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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