Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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