The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I lost the right to judge tonight
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
