If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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