Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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