I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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