why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize