Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
