Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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