I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
