I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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