the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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