Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
