My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
