im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
