toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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