I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize