Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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