i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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