things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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