why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
