I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Vodka?
Forever.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
