Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
