If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
