you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
