It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
