So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
