My first STD was from a foam party
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
