My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
