tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
