I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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