I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
