I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
